and also, my brethren took of the daughters of Ishmael to wife; and also Zoram took the eldest daughter of Ishmael to wife.
Everybody is taking to wife; my cousin Nathan (to Racheal), my sister LeAnna (to Rudy)... and me? I have 'known' I'd get married someday since I was 14 and received my Patriarchal Blessing. It was impressed upon me that the blessings therein are obtained "through your faithfulness", and I stand convicted of a real lack of faith.
Twenty-two years after receiving that blessing, and having a bright recollection of all my guilt, too often giving in to the temptation and the sins which so easily beset me, I let the Adversary convince me I was unworthy of those blessings (and that was true enough, he loves to lead off with a depressing truth... it makes the following lie so much easier to swallow) and that I never would be... and there's the lie... one of his favorites. He doesn't want me to repent, to pray, or to change... he wants me to stay miserable, just like him.
I don't want to be miserable anymore.
And there is so much more to this than my own personal worthiness. I had an Eternal Companion searching for me, I have children waiting to be born, a little brother (on his mission!) who prays that I will be married before him, and a Mother who prays for much the same thing... and an Elder Brother who wants me to be happy, and who is looking out for me constantly. Four years ago He prompted my cousin, a woman of great spiritual sensitivity and love for me, to reprove me with some sharpness because I was not even looking for my mate, and she was looking for me. I found out last night that at the same time I was being (lovingly) rebuked by the Lord, Mary had that same week (and only some 20 miles away) dumped her last boyfriend, and was so desperate to find me that she was considering moving to Salt Lake to try and find a good LDS man to date. I am eternally grateful that the length of the drive & move stayed her hand.
In my Blessing I am told that God will "bring to my presence" the woman who will be my wife... which, with a lot of help from my very great friends Jeff and Rebekah He did do. The same line instructs me to fast and to pray about the choice, which I am doing... I'm praying a lot these days. The paragraph regarding marriage in my Blessing ends with the instruction to "be patient and not to go faster than you are capable of going but to move carefully forward and upward..." Repentance is not a quick or easy process, and neither is changing your life to be worthy of the blessings of a Temple Marriage, but I will do it.
There are a lot of things Mary and I need to do to prepare, but I have faith that together we and the Lord can do all things. She waited alone and lonely for four years living in her parent's basement without giving up hope that she would one day find me. Those four years didn't have to happen. I was told by inspiration from God that she was looking, and that I needed to look for her... and I didn't. I felt the touch of the Holy Spirit when I heard it, and by the witness of The Spirit I knew it was true... and I kept on doing the same old things. And Mary has suffered much for my failure to answer God's call. She has forgiven me, and perhaps someday I will forgive myself.
I have promised her that unless she or God tells me otherwise, I will be Sealed to her in the temple for time and all eternity. I am praying about it constantly (as instructed in my Blessing... I'm not going to ignore God on this topic anymore!), but I don't expect either of them to tell me no. I am doing my very best to listen with an open heart and mind to the will of the Lord, I'm working hard to mean it when I say "not my will, but thine be done". I have to get this right. I need to know God's will, and then do it. If I am not her Eternal Companion I will be devastated, but I will not act against the will of God in this most important of all decisions.
I have a new (and sometimes terrifying) purpose in life: to do what is right for Mary.
I will not fail her again.
